A Raw, Unfiltered Review Of The 2017 NBA Draft

By | June 26, 2017
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A full weekend after the last pick of the NBA Draft was announced – some guy named Alpha, go figure – all the searing hot takes have engulfed Twitter in a fury of Woj bombs, Bill Simmons gasps, and enraged fanbases committing social media suicide.

So here is the most logical, reasonable, and more importantly, hot-takey NBA draft review of them all.

The Good

Philadelphia 76ers

Drafting Markelle Fultz (#1 overall) to go along with Ben Simmons and the GOAT Joel Embiid was just the beginning of a dynasty that will go into the 2027 season …or whenever these guys actually get on the court together. In addition, drafting three international prospects – including Jonah Bolden (#36), who spent a year at UCLA before hauling ass for Australia – just increases the diversity and fun factor of this team. They also drafted two possible stash guys – Mathias Lessort and Porzingis’ best friend (I’m not going to try to spell his name) – in their quest to become the most dominant team in NBA history. Seriously though, good draft.

Los Angeles Lakers

First of all, let’s all take a moment to congratulate Lavar Ball on calling his shot with Lonzo Ball (#2) going to the Lakers and it actually happening. Getting Kyle Kuzma (#27) and Josh Hart (#30) to surround Ball’s free flowing offense only makes things better. Who knows how good Thomas Bryant (#42) really is? I thought he was a beast in the Big 10, but he fell to the second round. Too bad they had to give up D’Angelo Russell to make up for Mitch Kupchak’s idiocy with the Timofey Mozgov’s contract.

Dallas Mavericks

With only one pick, they got who many viewed as the best point guard in the draft in Dennis Smith (#9). I don’t remember the Mavericks ever having a player who played fast and explosive like this. Sure, they had Steve Nash, but I’m not really sure Nash could dunk. Smith with Dirk Nowitzki and Nerlens Noel will be fun to watch next year.

Charlotte Hornets

I’m one of the few who believe Steve Clifford can turn Dwight Howard’s career around. Other than that, what a fucking steal getting the best shooter in the draft in Malik Monk (#11), who John Calipari believed could have run point for Kentucky last year. Monk is legit. Although, drafting a guy named Dwayne Bacon (#40) during Ramadan? Well…

Utah Jazz

Donovan Mitchell (#13) is going to replace George Hill. Tony Bradley (#28) will be a nice backup for Rudy Gobert. And doubling down on the point guard spot with Nigel Williams-Goss (#55) all but ensures Hill won’t be back. There are also rumors that the Jazz will go after Patrick Beverley. I think Dennis Lindsey is preparing for life after Hill and Gordon Hayward. This was a nice start. Giving up Trey Lyles is hard, but hey, maybe he doesn’t fit.

Miami Heat

My philosophy when drafting would be to always pick Kentucky guys. Bam Adebayo (#14) has talent oozing from every damn inch of him. No, he doesn’t fill a need, but he was probably the best player available on the Heat’s board. This is a good pick.

Minnesota Timberwolves

That Jimmy Butler trade is a fucking steal. Tom Thibodeau just bent the Bulls over, then over again, and then over again. Kris Dunn sucks; I said this last year and everyone who was on his nuts finally realized this during the season. Zach Lavine is coming off a torn ACL, and literally does not play defense. Drafting Justin Patton with the pick they got back from the Bulls just made it even better. A lineup of Patton, Karl-Anthony Towns, Butler, Andrew Wiggins, and Ricky Rubio could be scary good. The only problem is there isn’t much shooting there. Still, this is an instant league-pass team next year.

Brooklyn Nets

Taking on big contracts for assets is what the Nets should be doing ‘til the Billy King stench is gone. Grabbing D’Angelo Russell via trade before the draft, and then Jarrett Allen (#22) in this draft allows them to have some nice pieces going forward.

Memphis Grizzlies

How is the league going to let Ivan Rabb (#35) fall to the Grizzlies to replace Zach Randolph? They’re literally the same guy. Rabb was considered a first rounder last year and should have come out. Oh well, sucks for him.

Golden State Warriors

The champs had no picks entering the draft. So, they buy the Bulls pick and get Jordan Bell (#38), who will play for them next year and give them quality minutes. That dude rebounds like no one’s business.

The Bad

Portland Trail Blazers

I like Zach Collins (#10) and thought it was a good trade to give up #15 and #20 for #10. But doubling down at power forward and taking Caleb Swanigan (#26) when they already have Jusuf Nurkic? Not cute, not fun, not good for the team.

Detroit Pistons

These guys would be in my whatever category, because they drafted another whatever player in Luke Kennard (#12) who will be in the league for 12 years, probably win a championship with Tim Duncan’s son in San Antonio. But Detroit is already full of whatever guys like Andre Drummond, Reggie Jackson, Marcus Morris. They’re also giving up on Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, so that’s whatever too. It’s just shitty.

Indiana Pacers

Still shopping Paul George, Kevin Pritchard said he was “gut-punched” by George coming to him and telling him he won’t be back and he’ll probably go to the Lakers. He gut-punched himself again when he took TJ Leaf (#18) in the first round. I like Leaf, but this is a team that lacks star power, and so they go with the safest pick of all time. Pritchard also said he won’t take a bad deal for George. He may not get any deal for George. Ike Anigbogu (#47) in the second is nice though despite his knee issues.

Los Angeles Clippers

Jawun Evans (#39) and Sindarius Thornwell (#48) have a long ways to go become they become NBA rotation players. I know Jerry West is in charge now, but come on Logo, you’re drafting like Doc Rivers!

Cleveland Cavaliers

No picks. Why is this an issue? See Patrick McCaw.

Washington Wizards

No picks. Why is this an issue? Because Ernie Grunfeld traded it for Tim-fucking-Frazier to become the new Trey Burke/Eric Maynor. You know how decent teams become bad really quickly? By not replenishing their roster with young talent. The Wizards haven’t had a pick in the last two drafts. And no, acquiring Chris McCullough from the Nets does not count. Sorry.

The Whatever

Boston Celtics

Drafting Jayson Tatum (#3), Semi Ojaleye (#37 — he’s good), Kadeem Allen (#53), and Jabari Bird (#56) is all fine and dandy, but seriously: what is Danny Ainge waiting for? He already lost out on Jimmy Butler; I find it hard to believe the Celtics couldn’t top that offer. The chance of a Paul George or Kristaps Porzingis trade have gone down even more now. I just don’t get it. They need a star.

Phoenix Suns

I would have sold the damn farm for Kristaps Porzingis. Josh Jackson (#4) doesn’t excite me too much. Guys who can’t shoot piss me off.

Sacramento Kings

They picked De’Aaron Fox (#5) who I believe will be the best player in this draft from. Trading down from #10 to #15 and #20 was asinine. This isn’t the NFL — the chances of the #10 pick hitting are a lot better than #15 and #20 especially when Malik Monk was on the board. Could you imagine Fox, Buddy Hield, and Monk? Keep imagining it.

Orlando Magic

I pegged Jonathan Isaac (#6) to the Magic in the HTTD joint-mock, and they grabbed Wesley Iwundu (#33) in the 2nd round. Why not trade Elfrid Payton, Mario Hezonja, Nikola Vucevic, and Evan Fournier? It’s clear none of them have star potential.

New York Knicks

“Filthy” Frank Ntilikina (#8) will be good (I think), but if there’s anyone who can ruin him, it’s Phil Jackson. He’s effectively ruined the trade value of two of the best Knicks players since Patrick Ewing in Kris Porzingis and Carmelo Anthony. Their second round picks were meh.

Milwaukee Bucks

DJ Wilson (#17) and Sterling Brown (#46) are uninspiring picks for a clusterfuck of a front office. I also don’t know how Wilson is going to play next to the Greek Freak (Giannis Antetokounmpo) and Thon Maker.

Atlanta Hawks

John Collins (#19) seems like the new Paul Millsap, who they need to sign and trade if they can. But Tyler Dorsey is a maybe at the NBA level and I have no idea who Alpha Beta Gamma is (it’s actually Alpha Kaba – pick #60).

Toronto Raptors

There were rumors last night that Toronto was looking to move Jonas Valanciunas and the #23 pick, which they should do because that team needs to tear it the fuck down. Kyle Lowry and Serge Ibaka are going to leave, but at least OG Anunoby (#23) seems like a guy with a decent work ethic who will fit into the Toronto culture of working hard and not having an explosive skillset.

San Antonio Spurs

I’m not as high on Derrick White (#29) as everyone else is, but it’s the Spurs – who am I to question R.C. Buford? This probably means Patty Mills is gone after this year. They also drafted a guy named Jaron Blossomgame (#59). What?

New Orleans Pelicans

Frank Jackson (#31) struggled at Duke, but I’m sure they have him pegged as a potential replacement for Jrue Holliday, if the latter chooses to leave. I don’t know.

Houston Rockets

Isaiah Hartenstein (#43) is a physical 7-foot forward from German who can score in a myriad of ways, and could’ve been a late first round selection. But more importantly, they tryna clear cap for another star, y’all! Morey Ball!

Denver Nuggets

Acquiring Trey Lyles and drafting Tyler Lydon (#24) were ok moves, but I’m surprised they couldn’t beat the Wolves’ offer for Jimmy Butler. Maybe Tim Connelly has another move up his sleeve?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Chicago Bulls

Seriously, GarPax need to be fired. I find it shocking that’s all they could get for Jimmy Butler. To add insult to injury, they gave up the 16th pick in that trade as well. Selling Jordan Bell to the Warriors just makes the league more unfair. Although, I may be the only guy who likes Lauri Markkanen (#7).

Oklahoma City Thunder

With Russell Westbrook’s pending free agency coming up next year (he can opt out of his contract at the end of the season), I’m sure drafting a project like Terrance Ferguson (#21) was the right move (sarcasm). Has Sam Presti lost his fastball? It’s sure as shit worth asking.

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